Internalized Homophobia

I went to see “8 a Mormon Proposition” last night with one of my new friends. It tracks the way that the Mormon church funded the Prop 8 campaign. About 2% of the California population is Mormon, but over 70% of the funding for the Prop 8 campaign came from Mormons. They received a direct message from their Prophet (which is akin to receiving one from God) that they were required to give of their means and time to campaign for Prop 8. Elders visited individual families with a list of their incomes and their tithes and told them how much they thought they could give for the campaign.

Other than major sadness, the thing that I most came away with from the film was a renewed understanding of my own internalized homophobia. The message I got as a kid was that homosexuals were gross and wrong. There was a Mormon add for Prop 8 talking about how children would learn that gay marriage was ok in public schools–the scene is of a cute little girl holding up a picture book to her mom saying, I learned in school today about two kings getting married and how I could marry a princess someday. And the look on the mom’s face is just of utter disgust. I remember conversations about those kinds of kids books in the churches I grew up in. I remember hearing that there would be nothing so gross as to learn about Sally’s two mommies.

I also realized anew why I am so scared to tell folks. I haven’t told my grandma. I go out and do stuff with my new gay friends a few times a week, but I don’t tell her much. Last night, after realizing all this, I did tell her the content of the movie. But I haven’t told her that I met all these new friends because I found out about a Lesbian book club online. I told her I have my own book club “with younger women” (as if that was the only reason I wanted to go to my own book club in addition to hers). I haven’t told my brother, who I think will completely reject me. I have talked to my parents about it, and they are doing everything they can to show me that they still love me and accept me–but right now it is in “despite” of my sexuality and that hurts. Mom thinks its very gross, and that hurts. Because I am super excited. All these things about myself have finally clicked into place. I finally understand why certain things never worked and why I did other things. I am very, very sad that my husband had to suffer my realization, but if we were not both raised in such homophobic cultures, I would have realized much earlier and not put him through the many years of pain.

So, back to my own internalized homophobia. Every time I try to research gay things, I have this huge internal weight I have to maneuver around that says it’s wrong and gross. Looking into where I’m moving, I tried to figure out if there was a gay culture there. Trying to find the gay club on campus, there was still this thing inside of me that that club was “edgy” and “wrong.”  I remembered looking for colleges eleven+ years ago as a kid and noticing at every university whether or not they had a gay club and thinking if they did that that place was too liberal for me.

I had to push my way through and past all of those messages in order to even begin to awaken to my true self. One of the first things that helped was when the first openly gay Episcopal spoke on NPR about being gay and being a Christian. It was the first time I realized that gays were not some kind of perverted monsters, but were actual human beings and could be intelligent, articulate, kind, and spiritual. From there it’s been a journey, primarily in the written word and a little in the movies and a couple of friends, of coming to understand that gays are folks with some special concerns and some concerns like others.

All this opening finally allowed me to recognize myself for who I am. But the movie made me realize how much of that internalized homophobia is still there. I still feel like I am doing something edgy or wrong when I seek out gay things, even as I also feel like I’ve finally found myself. It’s a weird mixture of crap. I need to sort through it before I can really begin to talk to those in my family who are going to be angry, upset, or disgusted by it.

It’s been really good to be around women who love this aspect of themselves. Because it is a lovely thing. It’s a lovely thing to be connected to yourself. To understand the way that your sexual attraction works, instead of just feeling broken and wrong all the time. But I definitely feel like I’ve crossed a line from being an empathetic straight person to being a scared gay one. It’s a totally different level of understanding. Suddenly I understand why folks stay in the closet, why it’s not easy to just make a political stand, or talk to your friends and family about it. Because man, if there is one thing I’m good at, it’s hiding my true self from those around me. Very, very good at it.

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