church at the end of the universe

Interesting morning. Today is probably the last day I ever have to go to church, unless I’m visiting family or something. From here on out, I’ll be living with myself and not with someone who wants me to go to church with them or needs me to drive them to church. As is fitting of my whole church experience, I was involved from start to finish. I helped Grandma host coffee hour (made two batches of brownies and one batch of sugar cookies, thoroughly coated in red white and blue), then ran to the last little bit of choir practice. During church, the pastor invited me and grandma up to the front to be prayed for as I go on this next journey. Throughout people came up to me to wish me well and tell me how very much they would miss me. I helped grandma to the altar for communion and took the bread and grape juice (I used to fear “eating and drinking condemnation” upon myself for taking the elements without belief. Now I feel like it is a rite that confirms my place in a culture–I have no desire to feel alienated anymore by refusing to partake, especially when going up front is required). I waited till she was finished praying and then helped her back to her seat and rushed to join the choir. No solos this week, though I’ve sort of sung 2 solo verses this summer (a big deal, if you read an earlier post).

No frustrations from the sermon, other than my six month meditation on what it means to be a pacifist liberal type. The pastor included many elements of praise for the Civil Rights Generation and for freedom as an expression of caring for the poor and doing justice. The service was concluded with “Lift Every Voice”–the African American anthem, after having sung several American hymns to start off. During coffee hour, as I was pouring juice, the pastor and I talked about what it meant to incorporate politics into church life–i.e. the red, blue, and white I had willingly decorated the homemade goodies with, even though I normally objected to combining church and politics (in many things I let Grandma have her way without challenge. Not something the rest of my family does, but it is the way I have acted while living here). He shared about a church he pastored which had had many Vietnam vets or family’s of vets that objected if soldiers were not remember, but then also encouraged peace talk. As long as the pastor prayed for the service members every week, he could criticize foreign policy as much as he wanted–because these families knew what the cost of war truly was.

My parents are visiting and we’re going to go have a chat with the pastor and his wife in a couple of hours.

I point all of this out to make it clear that I do know that church people have been very good to me. And I do know that there are a lot of complicated thinkers with Christianity. But I am still very relieved to have a full weekend to myself next week and the week after. To not have to look at runners and bikers with jealousy while driving around in my Sunday best.

It will be interesting just to see what I choose. Will I miss the camaraderie of church or find it elsewhere?  Will I miss the music–which I sang with gusto, but often disagreed with (after the years in which I did not sing b/c I did not agree, I got to the point of most music majors of enjoying religious music without paying attention to the words–the height of profanity to some, I imagine). Well, not always paying attention. I usually note when I’m singing something I don’t agree with, but go on and sing it anyway.

What will my life be like without that weekly soundtrack?

Oh my heavens, this is going to be an interesting adventure.