Oij vey. I’m tired this weekend. Not just tired from being back at work after a long vacation, but tired of being me. I read things on facebook and see everyone’s political interests and I think about how I am interested in art, but I struggle to articulate it. So I’m quiet. I was the life of the party for a little bit of time in my 20s (and by party I mean game night with a bunch of fairly mild Christians), but now I’m quiet. My teaching evaluations say I don’t have enough confidence in myself, so I come off as quiet there too.
I worry about this for a few reasons. I worry about being boring and not being able to sustain friendships. I worry about going on job interviews where there is a dinner and not being able to sustain conversation. I worry about not being able to attract the caliber of person I want to date (I’m already at a disadvantage being as large as I am–then to be boring, too. Ugh).
I’m also tired of all things academic, because I just don’t feel like I’m going to succeed. I have had some very nice validations recently, but in general I just feel like I keep hitting dead ends.
And then I’m in a musical and I can’t sing and I can’t dance (I can act, which is the one redeeming thing, but otherwise, I keep messing up. I can sing just enough to match stronger singers, but quite frequently I have my own part and have to come in first as the lowest singer and it’s just not pretty).
I’m feeling lonely tonight, but I know the deeper loneliness of being with the wrong person.